I stand at the bottom of the three stairs leading into my 1914 house .
Just three.
And I start panicking.
I attempt to lift my good leg and think again.
And then I do it again and again.
Until I’m sweating.
And shaking.
And tears are forming.
I can’t.
And I finally hand my crutches over and sit down on the second highest step. And scoot on my ass in through the porch to the spot where I can find something to pull myself up on.
I just can’t get that straight bad leg that weighs 1000 lbs (which is a far cry from the 7000 lbs it did several weeks ago) to come up behind me. And I don’t want to fall, because I already have. Twice.
It’s an exhausting process.
……………..
This is my normal daily life right now. At least for a while.
(And this is by no means a complaint, but since I don’t refer to WebMD for anything, I thought maybe my story might be useful to others, just like the one story I found was incredibly useful.)
This is my 11th week on crutches.
I waited two weeks to have an MRI (I am a prime example of flaws in the heathcare system right now, but I digress)
Another week to have the MRI read.
3 more weeks for surgery (which allowed me time to “heal” before I was fixed and start Physical Therapy but also time enough to panic about being under the knife.)
and right now I’m 5 weeks post surgery.
What did I do?
Well I had to wait until after surgery to actually find out everything I did. Turns out I did a lot.
What was originally thought was a little more. I had my ACL, MCL, POL (yes POL, not PCL) and meniscus repaired. And bone fragments removed along with an insane amount of arthritis. The POL tear was the worst and is causing (post surgery) the most pain and it was a surprise as it didn’t show up on the MRI. It was a 3.5 hour surgery. Tedious and complicated and there were extra spectators because it was such a good one. My injury is something that happens to linebackers in the NFL. I was not playing football. I was simply jumping, the same way I have jumped for 25 years playing a sport I truly love. Due to the meniscus and POL I have been non weight bearing (I can’t even think about touching my foot to the ground) for 6 weeks. My surgeon was insanely good. He works on athletes all over the country and specializes in the MCL repair. He pulled things from up and down my leg to fix tears, and used cadavers and the scars are so very minimal, compared to what was done in there.
The bottom half of my leg was literally hanging on by skin… but now it’s not.
………….
Now that was just all the information. It’s what I spew out 10 times a week. It’s been interesting learning about it all.
But the rest of life is what you really survive after this kind of surgery.
To say it’s been a rollercoaster is a complete understatement.
Pain management was the worst process. I was unprepared for the kind of pain that comes with this. And I am absolutely no stranger to pain (I literally burnt my skin down to its nerves last year) but this….you just want to crawl out of your own body for a while. And get away from it. It’s very hard to explain, but for everyone who had to watch me those first few days, weeks, my personality changed very quickly. And I cried a lot. And somedays I spent the whole day crying. And I’m not ashamed of that. At all. Not one bit. It took two weeks for my leg to wake up and I still have one part below the knee that is still totally numb that is slowly starting to send signals of life (nerves) I weaned off pain killers in two weeks and now feel the pain as it comes. I like to know what’s going on. Plus no one wants to be constipated for weeks on end…. right?
I was also unprepared for the uncoordinated feeling I would constantly have. And the fear that comes with it. Especially the fear of falling, because once you start, there is no stopping. (Did I mention I’ve done it twice?) I’ve always thought of myself as pretty athletic and tougher than your average Joe. I am humbled to say, losing the use of a leg brought me down to earth quite literally.
I was also unprepared for how quickly cabin fever set in.
And how angry it would make me not to be able to do all the things. And how long it will be until I CAN do all the things. I have been used to heading to the mountains whenever I wanted to hike, and take my son everywhere with me. Plan vacations on a whim. Or go to the coffee shop, or go to stores to actually shop. There are a million tiny things in the day that take me a half hour to do that would normally take me 2 minutes (making the bed, getting dressed, washing my hair, making coffee….)
The healing process is very very slow. And I am slowly learning to be patient with it. And taking the down time the best way I can.
I have a transfer wheel chair. It helps soooo much. I am able to be up much longer than if I were just on crutches. I can cook a little. I can do a few things that I otherwise wouldn’t be able to do. I am not able to get into the shower yet (I was before surgery, but my knee isn’t allowed to bend far enough yet to sit down and twist through the door right now, and it’s down a set of stairs which I would maneuver on my tush, and already do the other full set of stairs into the loft)
Physical Therapy is by far my happy place. Even though I have spent many sessions in tears. I know 100% that the harder I work, the better I follow directions…. the better I will be in the end. And the stronger I will be. I lost 80% of the use of my upper leg muscles and most of my leg has atrophied, but just last week I was able to flex my quad muscle on my own…. that accomplishment was major and the sense of accomplishment from just that tiny little thing was incredible. I lucked out and have the most amazing team working with me. The atmosphere is uplifting. And even if I’ve crying, they are still incredibly encouraging. Plus it’s a time that I get to hang out with my son (I have felt so left out from his daily life, and this is the time I get with him.) I have been told that I’m healing really well for my age. (I laugh at that every time I hear it, as I think they are (the surgeon mostly) used to 18 year olds coming back from this. )
I have lost my appetite totally. Have lost quite a bit of weight, though I have no idea how much. Hoping it will come back as I start becoming more mobile.
I have gone through the spectrum of emotions. A lot of the healing is mental. In fact more than half is mental. Attitude is everything somedays. Mental road blocks come every single day and even though I am by nature a really positive person. … they still come. I have had to rely on help more than I ever have in my life. And I struggle with that part of it but at the same time am so very thankful and grateful for the help. (thank you to those who fill my ice and taxi me around and patiently help me in and out.)
Netflix has been good company. Prime. I haven’t read much as I thought I would as I wasn’t able to concentrate too much the first few weeks. The holidays have helped keep me occupied. And in good spirits most days. Shopping online can keep me busy for hours.
So this is the story so far.
It’s been humbling. That is the best way to describe it. Humbling. I can’t say I’m glad it happened, but I can say it’s something that happened for a reason. I have always believed that of everything in life.
This is just another mountain to climb. I just have to learn how to walk to get up it.
Go big or go home.
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Below are some pictures from my every day the last few months. Some might be a little much… so slow your scroll if you don’t want to see them.
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