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Today is the day I start the New Year.

While I love those days at the beginning of January, this is my true beginning every year.

I made it! Another time around. What an enormous feat! I may be a little bruised and battered, but damn there was a lot of fun had. And a lot of smiles. And a lot of life. There were some really, really difficult times and down to the bone wearisome days…. but it was always interesting and it was always, ALWAYS unpredictable. As is all of life.

I have been slow to step into this year. I’m inching my way in quietly. I’m not necessarily entering this year this way on purpose, but instead because that is what my mind and body are telling me to do. Because, I’m older and I listen to my mind and body more than I used to, even though neither one of them are totally put together or reliable….. but somehow I trust them more now than I did when I was 20. (it’s one of those peculiar contradictions that happen as you get older.) I would be lying if I said this past year was easy, but I didn’t feel it was any harder than the few years prior…. it was just a different kind of difficult. I found myself retreating from conversation. I found myself needing more space than I ever have and felt at a loss for words that were eloquent and inspiring or even interesting. I have always wanted to keep my space out here light. Honest, but light. And I felt heavy.

But here’s the thing.

As I enter this new year…

I have a few things I need to work on. Good things.

I need to ignore the joy thieves. Live life full of silliness with lots of hard work but way more play. The seriousness needs to be toned down, and I want to surround the people in my life with as much sunshine as I can. Don’t get me wrong I know myself, I can be a lot of sunshine mixed with a hurricane now and then. So, I’ll do my best.

I want to be frank. But gentle.

I have flashes (some of them hot because, yeah, that happens now days) of what made me happy in this past year. I have pictures that float in my memory of smiles and belly laughs. Adventures. Hugs. Moments that made my eyes twinkle and giggles that maybe made me tinkle (yeah that happens too….) Even in really hard times, with gut wrenching tears, there was always something…. good. (I know, because I wrote them down.) I see flashes of real life, in its Tasmanian devil like messiness. And if life is anything… it’s messy. And that’s not always bad. It’s how you handle the mess… whether you clean the mud off right away, or you play it and make mud pies and try to sell them to your neighbors. (I totally did that when I was 5. Marketing the right products may not be my strong point, but I have always tried really hard.)

That being said…..some messes deserve appreciation.

I want to be better.

That’s all I can try to do.

And constantly keep working toward it.

Oh and lose 30 pounds. That’s a whole other conversation.