Rain On a Sunny Day

It’s the first day of school.

College.

I sent my son some Venmo money. For coffee. Or whatever he needed on his first day of college. It’s surreal. The fact that I can pay for coffee without standing next to him, or the fact that he’s starting college. It’s a new stage in all of our lives. And really hard maneuver let alone explain. I’ve never done this before. Nor will I again. Neither has he. Though we’re all putting on brave faces… it’s kinda really hard and scary and the unknown is exciting and frightening. The yin and yang of everything. Like rain on a sunny day. It’s hard to feel two emotions simultaneously but it’s possible. I know.

It’s taken me a long time to sit down. Calm my mind and find the words. I still don’t know if I have the right ones.

A few months ago we stood in my white sun filled loft, just the two of us, I helped him in his cap and gown. He wore shorts and burks and a yellow striped shirt. I put his ropes on. All his high school achievements wrapped in nylon ropes. I started crying a little ( a lot less than what I had been the week prior) and he hugged me.. and said… “I love you so much mom” and that was that. The house was filled will love and people and food and celebration and SOOOO many balloons.

He left for baseball in Nebraska 12 hours later and was home this past summer for maybe 10 days. It was chaotic to say the least.

Last week we pulled into the parking lot of the dorms I lived in , and now he will too… At 7:30 am. All of us unshowered, eyes blurry, hair amiss…. total mayhem. But really good mayhem. Giant bins on wheels to get everything there. 12 flights of stairs. 30 minute parking. Only a couple working elevators. So many people. Parents with the same looks I had. Sad and happy and “we gotta keep moving!” Carts full of x-long twin sheets and microwaves and garage refrigerators, and fans and clothes in totes and toiletries that only fit in little bins. Music blaring. Tents full of welcomers. Excitement. Fear. On all accounts. But smiling because it’s college!

I didn’t linger.

I didn’t want to be that kind of mom. I’ve never want to be that kind of mom.

Because I knew my tears would make it worse and take away from his excitement. So I allowed myself to snot bawl (in case you don’t know what that is, it’s when you’re eyes get overwhelmed by tears and they start coming out your nose.) for about 2 minutes. He hugged me tight. Said “I love you mom…” and then in my dad’s true form I handed him a ball of wadded up bills from a strange place in my wallet in case he needed any money. And walked away forcing myself not to look back.

I asked for one photo. That’s all I needed. The rest is in my memories.

I cried all the way home. And for the next 10 or 12 hours after. I allowed myself that. He’s an only child and coming back to a house without him in it…. was like walking into a house you’ve never lived in. Because it’s immediately different. And I know it will be different when he comes back. It’s the same… but it’s not. It never will be. That part is hard too.

As a parent… this past year has been pretty indescribable. Especially as a mom. Of a boy. Who is an only child. They are different. I don’t know how else to say that. Someone said to me… sending him to college is like getting dunked in ice water. You don’t get to test it first. (that person was 17 years old and too smart for her age.) I have spent a lot of time crying. Not because I’m sad all the time. But because I’m happy and proud and emotions are crazy when the whole dynamic of your family is about to change. The wild unknown! It’s the year that alllll the little guy memories flood your heart and brain and all you wish half the time is that they would run around pretending to be a t-rex for a couple days or so. You realize you wish you shouldn’t have cleaned the hand prints off the doorways that he insisted on hitting every time he went through. Or secretly wish you would have never taught him to walk because leaving would be impossible! I took time away from other families (whom I love and adore) to just be here. I shut down devices. I’m not really sure how to describe it, besides the fact that I just wanted to be available. To talk. To have company without talking. To cook. To figure things out. To get yelled at. To work on things. To cover him up on the couch when he’s just too tired to go to his bed. I took time to be a mom. And I will never ever regret that. They need you no matter how much their personalities tell you otherwise. No matter if they notice or not.

I am not an empty nester.

I’m a “bird launcher”

And now it’s time for change. Yes I will still snot bawl here and there, but that’s ok…..

Good luck my Dino Dude. Be awesome.